BUSH-CHENEY HEALTH SECRETS

Stunning revelations in a 2-week period! Medical procedures reveal close-kept Administration secrets.

Last week, President George W. Bush underwent a colonoscopy procedure, and leaked reports have shed some light on one of the mysteries of the Bush years - the whereabouts of WMDs. After awakening from the routine colon exam, President Bush was overheard saying: "I saw them - Weapons of M'ass Destruction!!"

Meanwhile, Vice-Royal Darth Cheney has been hospitalized so doctors can replace his defibrillator. Replacement of the defibrillator provides some clues to the Vice-Emperor's success - his constant fibbing about Iraq, government spying, energy policy and many other topics is enabled by the defibrillator!

SPIN WARS, EPISODE 3: THE EMPIRE TAKES A BACK SEAT

When last we visited the Axis of Weasels and the Dark Lord, Darth Cheney (November 11, 2005), things were looking bad for the Lefti Knights and the entire galaxy. But cracks were beginning to appear in the Axis of Weasels armor, despite the spin-saber tactics of the evil MachiaRovean. But the forces of good underestimated the power of the Dark Side, particularly their Dark Lord. Darth Cheney continued to spin and lie and paint as evil and unpatriotic those who dared speak out against military campaigns of the Axis. The Dark Lord became more secretive and harder to find, all the while planning his evil doings.

And so it came to pass that, in the year of 7 in the Second Millennium, the Dark Lord, Darth Cheney, put in motion his secret plan to gain control of the Empire. The Dark Lord, brushing aside the puppet Emperor Dubya, declared a new branch of government comprised of - himself. Under this new ruling structure, Darth Cheney became part of whichever branch of the Empire he chose on any particular day, depending on the politics of the moment. If rules governing the behavior of the Executive Branch of the Empire got in his way, well, he was not part of that branch, despite his title of Vice Emperor. If rules governing the Legislative Branch got in his way, well, he was not part of that branch. Darth Cheney, the Dark Lord, was his own branch of the Empire.

And so the Axis of Weasels continued to careen down the path of history, leaving in it's wake a ruined planet wracked with war, greed, pollution and hatred. And Darth Cheney, the Dark Lord, smirked as he watched the results of his planning.

FROM CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS: THE UNIFYING ISSUE

We've been busy here at FISHMAN for POTUS galactic headquarters (see the last post for the announcement of my candidacy). The issues I want to address are numerous; the planks in my platform are many; and we've been pondering how to start off by "hitting the nail on the head," so to speak. At long last, the Unifying Issue became clear.

Global Warming is what I consider to be The Unifying Issue. Global Warming is not a for-or-against, Democrat vs. Republican, liberal vs. conservative, east vs. west, Christian vs. Jew vs. Muslim issue. This issue is reality smacking all of us up side the head and saying "do something now for future generations." This one issue demands all nations to rethink public policy, foreign policy, public planning, transportation, energy and environmental policy, tax structure, international trade, education and health care. This issue demands all people to rethink their life styles and consumer habits - particularly those of us who are privileged.

Look at the news on any day and consider each news item in the context of Global Warming. Think about your own activities and decisions through one complete day in the context of Global Warming. Think about the ridiculousness of fighting between people over religious beliefs, claims to land, ethnicity or old scores to settle contrasted to the future for everyone everywhere on a planet with a climate irrevocably altered by our own stupidity.

As President, I will consistently lead a national and international discussion about this Unifying Issue. I will work tirelessly to change the basic concepts of our society from one based on consumerism and greed to one based on principles of sustainability. I will work to change our foreign policy from one of domination to one of cooperation - using the innate creativity, generosity and compassion of Americans to lead by example.

Just as there is a major human-induced climate shift on this planet, I envision a human-induced paradigm shift towards a world with a future based on the realities of a finite planet.

FISHMAN for POTUS*
not just for the halibut


* President of the United States