Wednesday, February 15, 2006


(Blogger's note: much has been written, and many jokes are being told about the accidental shooting by VP Cheney. This is an unfortunate accident, and I, for one, would like to see and hear more concern about the shooting victim - I hope he recovers without any long-lasting effects. With this said, below is my contribution to the pile-on!)

A.P. (Avian Press) - New York. While the main-stream media focus on the handling of Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting accident by the White House, an important part of the story remains untold. Using information obtained from confidential sources, this reporter has uncovered the tip of a growing controversy that threatens the civil liberties - of wildlife.

VP Cheney's office has focused the story of the shooting on the accidental nature of the event, and the process of making the news public. This deliberate strategy has led reporters and the public away from the real story, a bird's-eye view of the unbridled power of the Executive Branch of the US government.

What we have uncovered so far are these facts: 1) VP Cheney's shot hit Mr. Harry Whittington, a prominent Texas attorney and Republican; 2) the intended victim, who we'll call Mr. Quail because his real name has not been revealed, was not injured by the shotgun blast; 3) Mr. Quail was, however, taken into custody by the Secret Service and his whereabouts remain unknown.

The ACLU (Avian Civil Liberties Union) has assigned a prominant left-wing lawyer, John Covey, to investigate the disappearance of Mr. Quail. There are indications that Mr. Quail has been deemed to be an enemy combatant, and has been flown to a secret facility that is disguised as a restaurant kitchen, for "de-briefing." "We know that "de-briefing" is a code word for interrogation by torture" stated Mr. Covey, who went on to explain that this type of interrogation typically involves plucking out the victims feathers, marination in strong spices, trussing, and applying intense heat to the body. "If the victim doesn't sing in a short time, his goose will be cooked" Covey said.

This reporter has also determined that the search for Mr. Quail by VP Cheney was part of an on-going covert operation being run from the Vice President's office, without oversight by any of the intelligence agencies. This is the reason that the Vice President did not have the required hunting tag from the State of Texas, he did not want public attention drawn to the covert operation. The covert operation is designed to infiltrate and kill the members of small cells of left-wing operatives known to exist under-cover (mostly under, we hate to say, bushes).

Based on the official story, it appears that Mr. Whittington was collateral damage in the Cheney War on Quail.* However, many questions remain unanswered. Is there a connection between the shooting of a right-wing lawyer and the capture of a left-wing operative? Was the shooting a cheap shot or a cheep shot? What is the relationship between bird flu and bird flew? Is it a coincidence that a Vice President under a Bush President attempted to kill someone with the same name as a Vice President under a previous Bush President? And why are individuals like the intended victim always found under bushes, anyway? These questions aren't just for the birds!

We hope to answer the above, and related questions, as our investigation continues.

* this line is credited to a letter-to-the-editor in The Oregonian

1 comment:

  1. The Vice President's office has recently released a statement clarifying the delay in reporting this shooting incident. "Vice President Cheney was simply doing his job. Reports of the spread of Avian Flu prompted him to take decisive action in its prevention. He was certain that he spotted a flock of quail that was infected. Just to be certain he called Senator Frist and held up his cell phone camera. Frist did an quick diagnosis of the suspect quail and determined it was indeed infected. Cheney had to act fast and, unfortunately, his hunting partner was in the way. 'It was a matter of national security,' Cheney stated. President Bush said, 'He single-handedly stopped a possible pandemic. Thank God for his quick action."