Sunday, June 24, 2012


Some of you know that I've had eye issues lately. First it was cataract surgery, then an eyeball internal hemorrhage (vitreous hemorrhage, to be technical). Now I have impaired vision in one eye (retinal damage) that I try my best to ignore. And, of course, I joke about it: The Avengers movie was terrific in 2.5D!

A few minutes ago I was standing quietly on the back deck absorbing a bit of solar radiation and watching a chickadee watching me to determine whether or not it should risk a stop at the feeder. I thought about my vision for my vision, a bionic eyeball. When I had my cataracts done a few years ago, the doc talked to me about the different kinds of lenses from which I could choose - short- or long-vision. My response was that I wanted a Terminator eyeball, which, if you are a Terminator fan (the first one), you understand is an eyeball with many capabilities. I want one that will zoom in and out, snap still pictures and videos, measure distance between me and an object, maybe even measure temperature of an object (and no, I've rejected the see-through-clothing option from old comic book ads). I think I'll call it the iBall.

Here's a sketch of the iBall:

The iBall has a multi-sensor camera (1) in the front (note the interchangeable filter that allows the user to change eye color to match clothing). The on-board computer (2) processes signals from the iBall sensor and integrates them with signals to and from the brain (note: brain not included, sold separately). iBall options include the Smartphone Accessory, that allows sending and receiving vocal data; this includes an integrated antenna (3) (cleverly disguised as nasal varicose veins), audio receptor (4) that neatly fits inside the ear (note: ear not included, sold separately), and a microphone (5) (cleverly disguised as a skin mole). Future accessories will include an internet data module that can be added to the on-board computer and will allow net surfing, emailing, and watching movies. A major advantage of the internet accessory will be that the user can be on Facebook, watch a movie or doing any number of activities without anyone else noticing (user training will be available so users can learn to shake their head and mumble "uh-huh, uh-huh" while doing something else altogether).

And that is my Vision Thing for today. (Note to Apple, I get a major share of the profits!)


  1. From your mouth to R&D. Get a trademark now!

  2. Funny and clever, Paul. Can't wait for your post on Microsoft Orifice.