MY CONSERVATIVE PATRIOT SECRET IDENTITY

I recently received a package in the mail from the Heritage Foundation containing a calculator, a 4-color pen, and a note pad. It addressed me by name, and was from the President of the foundation, Dr. Edwin J. Feulner. He stated that he was writing to me because I am a "true conservative." Hmmm. I wrote back to him (more on that later), and a couple of weeks later I received another package from the Heritage Foundation, with another letter from the foundation President addressing me as a "true patriot." This package contained a nifty Heritage Foundation lapel pin!  I didn't know that I am a true conservative and patriot;. have I been moonlighting in my sleep?

The Heritage Foundation is a conservative think tank that gained prominence in the 1980's, and whose 3,000 page "Mandate for Leadership" became the Reagan administrations game plan. Read interesting things about the Heritage Foundation here.

I often read stuff by and from groups on the right so I understand their points of view. I generally don't agree with their points of view. I read the 2 letters from Dr. Feulner, and really got a good chuckle from them, as well as some insights into the other side. I decided to write a reply to Dr. Feulner, and sent it to his attention in the postage-paid donation envelope they so conveniently provided to me. I'm sure the Dr. never saw my letter. I did have fun writing it.

Here is my letter - and it was fun to wrote:

Dear Dr. Feulner: 

I received yesterday an unsolicited package from you containing: a 4-page letter, a Membership/donation form and envelope, a calculator, a pen and a notepad. 

In your letter, you said “What if they keep the calculator and you don’t hear back from them?” Well Ed, you are hearing back from me. And no, you are not getting any money from me. 

You see Ed, I am a proud member and supporter of the “radical special interests” you talk about in your letter; the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. These are organizations that you say “spread hate and fear and lies.” This is ironic, Ed, because your letter itself spreads hate and fear and lies. 

I almost agreed with your letter when you talked about “the spineless GOP leadership in Congress;” however, they are not spineless Ed, they are among the most reprehensible people on Earth, based on their goals and aspirations, but mostly on their continual kissing of the royal Trump butt cheeks.  

You tout that the Heritage Foundation has provided policy solutions to President Trump since day one…at last we know who to blame for the Trump Shit Storm!! 

And Ed, what is “gender of circumstances?” I probably would not like your answer.

Finally Ed, about those gifts you included. The calculator does not work. I looked at the back to see if it needed a battery - and there was a screw missing! Of course. The pen works; however, like the calculator, it is cheap crap made in China. This is how the Heritage Foundation supports American workers and the Trump slogan “America First.” The packaging is foam made from petroleum hydrocarbons, and this, as well as the energy and emissions costs associated with shipping these cheap items from China and then mailing them to me is a clear statement of the Heritage Foundation position on environmental issues. I wonder what the Foundation position is on human-induced climate change? Probably another question I don’t want to hear the answer for. 

Ed, I doubt that you will see this letter. But I had fun writing it. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to write more checks to the radical special interests I support, including those that provide support and services to the millions of people you conservatives are screwing. 

Yours truly,

Paul Fishman