RETAIL PRETENTIOUSNESS

I enjoy mocking pretentiousness, especially when it is not my own. I just couldn’t resist this offering of pretension that was delivered to our mail slot by our letter carrier. It was a slick, glossy full-color catalogue of outdoor furniture and furnishings from RH. What set me off immediately was the size and heft of this monstrosity: 9.5 inches wide by 11.25 inches tall by 0.5 inch thick, and weighing 1.75 pounds (yes, I weighed it). The letter carrier rolled his eyes when I asked about carrying these around, and said it is quite a burden when he has a dozen of them in his bag.

So my first flareup was, what the hell, why is RH mailing these things to people who never asked for them (I’ve never heard of RH)? Do they understand the environmental footprint, the carbon burden, associated with printing and shipping these things? The cover has a chasing arrow recycling symbol and the FSC logo and the statement, in tiny print, “Promoting responsible forest management.” Nice touch. Nice greenwash.

RH is in San Francisco; however, they are opening a Portland store - oops, not a store - a “design gallery.”

And now the pretentiousness.

pretentious: adjective. 1. Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

From inside the front cover, we learn the following:

RH INTERIOR DESIGN
We respect the hierarchy and relationships between architecture, furniture and decor that create harmony. It’s a discipline of addition through subtraction, where less becomes more, and calm is created through continuity. Our designers place you at the center of the creative process, working to realize the potential of your home, and bring your vision to life.

RH DESIGN GALLERIES
Our new design galleries are a reflection of human design, a study of balance, symmetry and the golden mean. We are building inspiring spaces that blur the lines between residential and retail, home and hospitality, indoors and outdoors. Our rooftop parks, garden courtyards, design ateliers, restaurants, wine vaults and coffee bars are contributing to an evolving conversation about a new and inspiring way to live.

Oh brother, I can’t wait to get some of that harmony, some addition through subtraction, some less becoming more, and getting calm through continuity. Give me some of that good old “golden mean!!” I want my home to be a blurred line between residential and retail! I can’t wait to find out what a “design atelier” is. And then, hey sweetheart, do you want to go to the park (on the rooftop of a store), or out to dinner (at a retail store) and a glass of wine (in a vault) and go to coffee at the bar in the retail store? What a truly “new and inspiring way to live!!!!”

Damn, I can be nasty!

OK, OK...what are they selling, anyway. Well, I flipped randomly through the slick, glossy catalogue and found:

Outdoor pillow covers $99-109 each (pillows sold separately)
Weathered teak side table $795
LED cantilever umbrella starting at $11,000
White aluminum dining side chair. $465
Wicker sofa: frames starting at $1,495; cushions starting at $665 (4 needed).

Wait a minute - this will be in Portland, Oregon? Huh?

Bottom line: Dear RH, good luck with your new Design Gallery in Portland - seriously, I hope you succeed and hire a lot of local people and pay them a living wage with good benefits. That’s great. But do everyone, including the planet, a favor: stop printing and mailing environmentally obscene catalogues. You have a web site, so if you need to do mass mailings, mail a nice flyer with some sexy furniture on it and your web address in big, bold letters. Seriously, anyone who can afford your stuff certainly has a laptop, a smartphone, a tablet, an Apple watch and.....you know...money.
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