THE TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE

First of all...why? There is no valid reason for people to be buying and hoarding toilet paper during the coronavirus pandemic. TP does not kill virus, and does not cure COVID-19. This is simply bizarre.

What will happen if this TP crisis is not abated in the very near future? There could be mass rioting, burning and looting by wipe-deprived mobs seeking out the secret stashes of TP kept in dark caverns by the Deep State. People will be hurt by bands of TP zombies roaming the streets.

Why hasn't Donald Trump done anything about this? Why has he not opened the Federal Toilet Paper Reserve rumored to be deep below ground in the mountains of Utah? What is he keeping it for, after all? Perhaps he plans to TP the homes of liberals, Democrats and Sanctuary City residents!

Do we have alternatives? What about DIY toilet paper alternatives? How about:

• Sears catalogues (oh, they went out of business)
• photos of Trump clipped out of newspapers
• political lawn signs from last year that still have not been picked up for recycling
• miracle cloths (hey....it's a miracle)
• the carpet where your dog drags it's rear when it itches
• photos of Trump clipped out of newspapers (I know I already used this one, but I like it)
• a DIY bidet using the garden hose
• all the U.S. currency that will soon be worthless
• just let it dry in place
• _________________ (you fill in the blank)

Perhaps the best idea is this one: The DOTUS (The Donald of the United States) declares a National Emergency and requires the U.S. Printing Office to convert all the printed copies of Congressional Republican-sponsored bills into rolls of tush wipe. He then flies around the country on Air Force One to all the COVID-19 outbreaks where huge crowds will gather, and he will toss rolls of TP into the crowd, while proclaiming how great he is and how Crooked Hillary should be locked up. The beauty of this plan is that The DOTUS will be doing something he enjoys and is capable of doing, away from D.C. so the handful of competent people in government left over from previous administrations can actually tell the truth and work on solving the pandemic.

I'm not sure which will wipe us out first, the virus or The DOTUS!
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